M66
A SERIOUS moral dilemma (Part one)
August 21 2014
Comments
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RHP User
11 years ago
She is not going to seek help on your say so, she has to believe that she needs help before anything can be done. Then she needs to decide to take action and follow through. Or she will continuously fall back into the abuse cycle. To get a DVO or AVO to stick you need dates times places and details of the abuse keep a record and report it. Be careful if it is investigated it may make things worse for her. If it goes on record it will be easier when she does decide for herself to take action. Getting down off my soap box now xx - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
11 years ago
I would tell my partner and he would frigging do this prick over. Step in Cave Man and sort this arsehole out
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RHP User
11 years ago
if that happened to my daughter ,,id take a cpl of my bike riding type m8s over there n kick the living shite outta the guy n leave him badly broken up lying in the gutter ,,,,,,,if my daughter didnt like it ,,,,tough luck ,,,,,,,,im not a violent person ,,,,,,,but when angered watch out ,,,,,,,,and no body lays there hands on my off spring ,,,,,,,
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RHP User
11 years ago
Thank god I haven't had anyone I know go through something like you have mentioned but for me the main priority is for the safety of the daughter. You don't mention children so assume there aren't any. Ideally she would want to get out of the relationship permanently but sometimes people in abusive relationships don't and get pulled back into the relationship by the abuser. So assuming she wants to get out then some trusted friends go to the house during day or a time when you know he won't be there and then take all your stuff, clothes, sentimental items etc. Leave the key and a note clearly stating its over, I'm not talkign to you again and if you contact me again I will call the Police. Then after you have got all your stuff if the house is a rental call the landlord and say your leaving an abusive relationship and terminating your end of the lease. From my perspective loosing a few $ in shared items or rental bond is way better than ever having to see the abuser again and expose them to more physical violence. If its a shared owned house let the lawyers deal with the division of property from a marriage or defacto relationship as thats why they gets paid the big bucks. Oh and try to get her to some counseling. Cheers, W
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RHP User
11 years ago
I'm going to break some bad news. You simply can not do anything for her until she is ready. It's a head space that has so many twists and turns there is no truth that you can turn to. It took me along time to leave - my relationship did not include out right physical abuse, however one of my best friends did and is very similar. Until she has nade that decision you can not do anything to help her. You can do however is put together a plan of action for the day she does make the decision to leave. Get information from lifeline, centrelink, abuse survivor help lines etc. Get informed and educated. Once she has made that decision then act and fast. Organize for her to be removed from the area. Take her phone and the ability to contact and be contacted away. Have someone with her 24 hours for a week at least. It is a tough road. She will not believe that life can be full of joy so she may have relapses. Much love to you all. God luck. - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
11 years ago
A close family member was in a violent relationship. After many attempts to intervene, talk to her, encourage her to take action etc, the family became weary and figured she would never leave. You can't force her to leave and we had to be careful not to make things worse. Eventually, I went to see a counsellor at a domestic violence crisis centre. I wanted to know how to be a good friend/relative/support. Should I push her? Should I back off and leave her to her choices? Should I ... ? etc I got some fantastic advice which went a bit like this ... She hasn't found the strength to leave him yet, but every time she tries she gets a little stronger. Be there for her, no matter whether she stays away this time or not. One day, when she does truly have the strength to leave, she'll need a soft place to fall and if the whole family has given up on her, chances are she'll be frightened and she may go back to what she knows, even though it's dangerous. So ... we kept showing love, asking how she was, offering help, accepting her and doing what we could. And eventually she left :) I think be cautious about stating your urge to lash out violently. She already lives with significant violence. Hearing about more violence isn't likely to be comforting.
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MsSuperFoxy
11 years ago
If someone is very aggressive and regularly physically assaults someone, takes their vehicle off them, mobile and locks them outside- IT IS ABUSE! No if's, butts or excuses...IT IS ABUSE!! And..... it is not OK! Just because the other person is twice the women Weight does not make it OK either. There are laws to protect those in Domestic Violence and abusive situations. There are places to go to, for example "The National Domestic Violence Hotline" (180065 64 63). If it were my daughter - I would not tolerate seeing her being abused; physically or emotionally. Sadly Cavey, as a parent, seeing a loved one in a domestic violent situation is one one of the hardest things to watch. :( CallSend SMSAdd to SkypeYou'll need Skype CreditFree via Skype
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RHP User
11 years ago
Patience, love, support. It truly is a hard thing to feel like your standing by and watching instead of doing. But please be aware that you ARE doing something that is so necessary by simply providing the love and support that she needs right now. Going in like a sledge hammer will alienate her now and in the future. Educate your self and set in place a safety plan for when needed. Keep checking in. And by all means tell her that you are doing all of that so she knows that you have her best interests at heart come what may. Emotional Abuse Survivors page on fbk is a good page to read for ger to get a grip of what she's going through and understanding the 'tools' of the perpetrator. Trust me the emitional and mental abuse is what keeps her there more than the physical. It is an anerican page but a god send to me and others. - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
11 years ago
So would did you do to him?
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RHP User
11 years ago
Ever heard of doing an intervention, group of family and close friends talk with her in a group and try to convince her to accept help and then take her out the relationship under there care. Keep her where abouts unkown to her partner and at least give her a chance to see things more clearly when given the opportunity. Good Luck
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MsSuperFoxy
11 years ago
curious and am interested to hear about it. Foxy
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Tall74nHard9
11 years ago
Have a daughter very much in the same boat. She just turned 31 this month, and although free of any live -in relationships atm, she has had her share of this type of treatment, starting in her late teens when she was first starting TAFE. Too much detail to run through comfortably here, but she has unfortunately always managed to find herself in relationships that seem to quickly turn abusive /violent. In spite of all the support we offered her in many areas, we just couldn't convince her to get out of those relationships - she just seemed 'stuck' and didn't know which way she wanted to head, but always stayed in the relationship. much to our dismay. As mentioned in the OP, tried to get her to obtain AVO etc, but if she did, would not follow up further. No matter how hard we tried, we just couldn't get her to open her eyes. It eventually started to turn around slightly when she decided she was ready to take control herself somewhat, but it was / is an extremely slow and painful process for her to see the light. We still can't trust her to stay away from the type of guys that would treat her this way even at her age now - really don't know how to steer her clear of this type of behaviour. It just seems to be an inbuilt 'self-destruct' with her, which is a real shame, because she is otherwise a very lovely and smart young lady. Just that when it comes to guys, her brains seem to fly out the window. Tall
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MissBishere
11 years ago
Until she is ready to leave all you can do is offer support and a safe place when she needs it. It took me a couple of years to get out of mine. But as a parent if it was my daughter I'm not sure I could take my own advice. I think I would be very tempted to do him physical harm of the permanent kind and take my punishment... Or find a really good lawyer. - Posted from rhpmobile
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QLDtwo4fun
11 years ago
I know the best thing to do is to remain supportive and provide the opportunity for her to escape because she wants to. But, in reality he would probably have an unwitnessed nasty accident.
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RHP User
11 years ago
is to take him for a drive somewhere quiet and teach him some manners. But, that's not the way we do things these days is it. All the above advice is good, the thing that saved our loved one from a similar prick was a cheap phone with credit on it that is kept well hidden until crisis time. He may smash all the other stuff but if a panic phone is available a life or serious injury could be saved.All the best.
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RHP User
11 years ago
As many very smart people have already mentioned Cavey - you can only just be there at all times, until they are ready to leave.That said...As a father to two girls and a father figure to 8 other young ladies....they have all been warned - if i find out they are being abused by their boyfriends, i am more than happy to take my chances in court!
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RHP User
11 years ago
It's all very well to want to scare a man through physical assaults, but ... If she's not ready to leave him, she may well still go back to him, and then he's likely to take revenge on her for your actions. Please find other ways to help, and if you're not sure how to help, get professional advice. The idea of a safe phone with credit is a great example ...
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RHP User
11 years ago
of spare cray pots that I figure we can fit this wanker in Cray bait is always required
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captainkaos
11 years ago
Make sure that she knows that you are there to support her at any time. Talk to her and make suggestions. Organise a bunch of mates and beat the prick up.........as well. lol.
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RHP User
11 years ago
Any action taken against him while she is not ready to leave him will only result in more violent blow back against her. Even if you were to give him a quiet warning he'd go straight back to her demanding to know what she said and if he wasn't satisfied with her answer he's likely to beat another one out of her.If and when she decides to leave him, that would be the time to step in as she would probably need extra protection then. But no action taken against him while she is still accepting this behaviour will help her at all.
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RHP User
11 years ago
Quoting 'charliegirlwa' Until she has nade that decision you can not do anything to help her. You can do however is put together a plan of action for the day she does make the decision to leave. Get information from lifeline, centrelink, abuse survivor help lines etc. Get informed and educated. Once she has made that decision then act and fast. Organize for her to be removed from the area. Take her phone and the ability to contact and be contacted away. Have someone with her 24 hours for a week at least. Quoting 'Burning_Love' She hasn't found the strength to leave him yet, but every time she tries she gets a little stronger. Be there for her, no matter whether she stays away this time or not. One day, when she does truly have the strength to leave, she'll need a soft place to fall These women really said great things. It's not a damned if you do, damned if you don't dilemma Cavey. You can do things without intervening, like charliegirl said. Having worked with both women and men in D/V relationships, it's a topic close to my heart. It used to frustrate me to invest in a person for days, weeks even, only for them to go straight back to their partner.The advice burning_love received is incredibly valuable. Each time the victim will become a bit stronger. To people who don't understand the dynamics of why victims go back, I've likened it to giving up smoking sometimes (far too simplistic, but it gives people a bit of an idea): The average person takes six attempts to quit for good. Everyone knows smoking is terrible, but people still go back to it constantly. A lot of the time people don't start again because they like the feeling, but because they feel even worse and more anxious afterwards than when they smoked. Charliegirl said to not leave the woman alone for a week, because (like addicts) victims of D/V go through a withdrawal process, where they are even more vulnerable than usual. It takes time and a lot of support to make it through (and even that's no guarantee.) Female D/V shelters often keep their locations secret and move around because regularly women staying there will find a way to contact their partner and tell them where they are, for a myriad of reasons. Some genuinely love and miss their partners and will tell you "but he has a different side you don't see", or "he can be so good to me".A lot also stay because they see that as the best option for them not to be killed. In your story the perpetrator may also have something holding over her head you don't know about, like hurting a family member or kill a pet if she leaves. Don't get involved with him, because like others said she will suffer the consequences. Be there if (not when, unfortunately) she is ready. I looked up WA services, via 1800RESPECTdotorgdotau. You can call 1800 737 732 if you're a victim, but also if you know someone who is a D/V relationship and would like advice on what to do. I wish you all the strength in the world here, Cavey. x
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RHP User
11 years ago
Quoting 'captainkaos' Organise a bunch of mates and beat the prick up.........as well. lol. Just don't. Not only is this topic not a "lol" issue, more violence is not the answer here. Everyone that made a similar comment: You should know better.
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adam_knows
11 years ago
I have a 20yr old daughter. With all her boyfriends she has brought to meet me since she was 17 Iv quietly had a word with home , Words were said in the lines of. We all fight and argue but if you ever physically or mentally abuse her. I will do the exact same thing to you twice.
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RHP User
11 years ago
Quoting '50zcool'the thing that saved our loved one from a similar prick was a cheap phone with credit on it that is kept well hidden until crisis time. It may be the thing that saves her, but also the thing that harms her if she finds it. If she has the phone with her when she escapes, ask for the sim card and crush it. Have done this myself and luckily the woman in question understood exactly why I did it. She would have called her partner that night from the shelter she later told me. She's lucky*. Almost two years since she left and she doing great. *I almost said brave, but people staying in abusive relationships are no less brave than others. Just wanted to say that.
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RHP User
11 years ago
Thankyou for sharing your dilemma. The words here just might help some one and educate others. Been there on both sides of the fence and it sux. I see myself lucky that it didn't progress to all out violence. I am grateful to those who held my hand for the first 2 weeks of leaving otherwise I just might be back there again. Meander - loves to you. - Posted from rhpmobile
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RHP User
11 years ago
People, and thank you very very much for them ALL..Including the ... Ummm... "Alternative method" ones. I understand that a parent, especially one who was developed on violence would want, or feel the urge to "Do Something"The sad answer to this of course, is that, in MOST cases of a violent intervention, a "Genghis Khan" program maybe the only answer. That being "The total eradication of the enemy - INCLUDING the family of said enemy"Unacceptable in today's society yes?So, let's assume that I am said parent!I go do the "Something" myself.Surely the Daughter would already have threatened to call "Daddy"Abusive partner, when "Event" happens, is now hell-bent on revenge - Friends, Family, Children(Who are with their Fathers family) and Father of Children and any random person caught in the middle are in jeopardy No?Of course, IF fatal consequences are involved, OR "Too serious" to be overlooked, Police become involved and someone goes to jail.What help OR protection can that someone be to ANYONE whilst "Incarcerted"? "GROUP INTERVENTION" ?Friends Family and associates all getting together to talk "Victim" into leaving?As so eloquently stated, "Not really an option" UNTIL the "Victim" is ready to leave, or allow herself to be "Helped" Thank you ALL once again for your responses.
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Lovinit28andKC72
11 years ago
Reading that, I could have sworn you were telling a part of my story. If my husband wasn't bad enough, (who was physically and mentally abusive) I then jumped from the frying pan into the fire so to speak, the next one was far more physically than my husband. Trust me when I say, she would be feeling worthless, have no self esteem, feeling undesirable, stupid, she would believe she is not worthily of anything else and she'd be feeling embarrassed that she is like this. This is the reason she is still there with him, he has her feeling that he is the only one that will ever care for her and ever want her, sometimes it's easier to stay, than it is to go.....It's not until she decides to save herself, that she will find the strength to walk away from it.....Would I have left if I had of had the help of someone? Well I'm not sure, maybe, but I probably would have gone back, because the police where regular visitors at my house and I would send them away, saying we had just had an argument...... When I found the strength to leave, I made a phone call to an old friend and simply said I need help!!!!! So be there for her, she will move than likely need you, let her know you know what's going on and that you will be there for her if she needs anything, just so she knows you are there.... I ended up in a battered woman's shelter, with my children and my life. I was meek and timid, I believed I was worthless, I couldn't look in the mirror without feeling ill, I believed I was fat, ugly and undesirable, that no one would ever want me and this was how my life was going to be. That was 13 years ago, it has taken me years to believe in myself again and change the way I look at myself. Now I'm a completely different person, I now know my worth, I know beauty, I'm strong, I did it for me and my kids and I didn't let either of them win........God, Cavey I hope it all works out, my thoughts are with you guys.......
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RHP User
11 years ago
I really can't add to what they have already said. I also agree with the comments that direct action against the man will only end in retribution against her after everyone has left. I did pro bono work for a charity for abused women to help them firstly get out of the relationship through a hotline and then to set them on the path of re-establishing their lives by sourcing accommodation and assisting in finding jobs. It made me ashamed to be a man to hear the different scenarios they had to deal with, and the statistics of domestic violence and even murder. These not for profits in the various states are set up specifically for the OP's question. As has been said, all the outsider can do is help put the plan together for implementation when the woman is willing to take that step (and to let her know that there are people on her side willing to help). The only point that I would add is how much harder this is in rural areas because of the isolation and close knit communities.
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RHP User
11 years ago
Should she not have gotten out prior to it escalating to this extent, an awareness of this pretty significant alarm bell could potentially be the difference between life and death; IF/WHEN he stops being sorry, that is when he is at his most dangerous. That is when she needs to be fearing for her life. IF he is going to kill her - he will at that point.
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RHP User
11 years ago
everyone.. (Part 2) has been posted.. waiting for it be "authorised" Please read it.. and.. those who commented.. PLEASE comment again.. I know what needs doing.. and how to go about stuff... Compared to what and how I want it done.. Caveman
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RHP User
11 years ago
Quoting 'SimpleNeeds2' I really can't add to what they have already said. I also agree with the comments that direct action against the man will only end in retribution against her after everyone has left. Hi SN ;) ( I owe you an email! ) I had to speak with police recently about an AVO and I was told that once something is reported, they speak to the other party and if they believe that you need an AVO they can apply for one on your behalf. Say they thought I was in danger but too scared to apply for the AVO, they might then. S just wondering if that's your understanding too? It's what the officer told me, so I'm assuming he would know.
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