F56
Falling in love with other partners?
October 21 2019
Comments
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FeistyFatty
6 years ago
Hmmmm interesting I'm in an Open Marriage.... nearly 10 years..... and we both echoed the same words, "Ya just don't"🤷♀️. Loving someone and falling in love is a choice.... in My opinion. We've both had/have long term lovers who we genuinely care for but only as we genuinely care for a friend.... nothing more. We are both rather pragmatic in our dealings with lovers/friends and have never viewed our exchanges as anything more than physical. I guess if you're seeking something (love, admiration, affection, first time feels) then you could easily become unstuck and jeopardise your primary relationship..... which I would find to be a terrible situation for all concerned. As neither hubby or myself "seek" these things and are perfectly catered for by each other, I don't think itd happen. Couples who weren't 100 percent squared away with their feelings for one another, I think should seriously not open their marriage up.
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Cucknshells
6 years ago
I can never understand why people think this is a problem. I don’t find it an issue to love more than one person. Why would I give up someone for someone else when I can have both. I love my husband and I also fell in love wth my x boyfriend. The feelings I had for my x was pretty full on but never did I want to leave my husband for him. It didn’t change the way I felt about my husband. If anything I loved my husband more. My husband didn’t have an issue with it as he know how I feel about him. Shells.
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RHP User
6 years ago
Wifey fell in love with a boyfie, his wife wasn't happy about and it didn't end well.I really like my Seth Efrican friend...
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nightingale8
6 years ago
My partner told me he loved a girl he spent a week away with. I understood and it didn't phase me. He knows the same about me. As far as we're both concerned, as long as other connections don't impinge upon our relationship what's there to lose? Jealousy is only there if you think something will be lost. We are secure enough to know what even with feelings it doesn't diminish the value of what we have, or who or how good we are, and it still means that we continually have to put effort into each other. I'm different to FFF, it's not just physical and it's different to liking a friend (honestly, my friends don't get me all hot and bothered or capture my thoughts??) I would be insulted if a close connection talked about me that way ans certainly don't think of others that way. For me, I try to make it clear no relationship will follow and that means no frequent texting, no expectations of exclusivity or burden. I can't offer that and don't expect it. I'll admit it's tricky territory to navigate. We've not yet had issues where connections and caused serious problems between us. Though I'm not yet ready for full on polyam kitchen table! I'm not willing to share couple and family time. Some may say this set up isn't sustainable and they may be right if it makes them feel better. We're 10 years in together, polygamous for most of that so I'm yet to see evidence of that. My partner said something to the effect of, why would I give up a relationship if I could have a loving partner, family and still the freedom to love and have sex with who I want? They'd better be pretty good.
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RHP User
6 years ago
Most that Ive read { when Ive received flirts/messages) state that they are madly in love and are just looking for playfriends to add some spice to their sex life. In that situation, if one fell in love with one of their play friends, I think that would be unsettling for the other one. Your rock solid relationship would have a crack. Indeed, why would someone give up a loving partner when they can have sex with whoever they want....but falling in love with one of their sexual partners is a different story.
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FeistyFatty
6 years ago
Nightingale .... you can be insulted by how I've described my secondary relationships..... they certainly aren't and have never been disrespected by myself or my husband.
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RHP User
6 years ago
I have a lot of love when sleeping with someone else’s partner. I think it’s the nice part about intimacy. I maintain that attraction but I’m definitely don’t feel we are inseparable. I love and respect simultaneously
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thiccgirlowner
6 years ago
I have to agree with nightinggale on this one.. its not like love is a limited resource.. Time is, yes, but not love.. in the same way that having a second or third kid doesnt take away how you feel about the first one. as for cracks in rocks.. and jealousy? again i think that is a reflection of your own self worth, You do not OWN someones affection for you.. you're the recipient of it.
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nightingale8
6 years ago
FFF, perhaps it's simply a matter of language and in practice our approaches aren't so different. I only ever take issue with devaluing and objectifying others to protect the primary relationship (and might have gotten your take wrong). Everyone deserves respect, even men who enjoy being sexually objectified at the end of the day don't want to be treated as disposable (I'm guessing). And yes Koko, my relationship has cracks. It wouldn't be honest to say it didn't. Kinda like Kintsugi, healing them can make something really beautiful. But let's face it the better you know someone the more you notice their flaws. Sometimes my partner's a real arsehole. One really loveable arsehole ha ha ha.
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RHP User
6 years ago
Hell no. Only room for one love in my life. What a betrail it would be to fall in love with another.
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EarthQueen
6 years ago
For the interesting read everyone. I don't really have any opinion seeing as I have never been in the position to have an open relationship. Just curious.
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Mask_007
6 years ago
I was with these gorgeous German girl for almost 2y back in 2000, and after one of our nights out she decided to bring these girl home with us (nothing unusual for us). She end up in our place frequently. She moved in with us 3 months later. I believe she loved her, and i still very fine wirh that. We still good friends up to today.
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JohnAnn2227
6 years ago
I haven't ever fallen in love with a boyfriend but I have definitely had feelings for them. The main reason we have an open marriage is for the fun and excitement. Now that our kids are older neither of us really date like we used to. I used to like to go away for a weekend with my boyfriend and stay at his unit on a regular basis. John was the same with girlfriends and we were comfortable with that. When he had to travel for work I would stay with my boyfriend for the whole time. Jealousy never came into it as we always put each other first over the "second partner" and we kept our (and their) expectations down to this is fun while it lasts.We know it is not for everyone but we enjoyed it. Too hard now explaining where mummy or daddy are for a weekend regularly. One night stands still happen at times but I find they are rarely as good as a regular lover.Ann & John
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FeistyFatty
6 years ago
Nightingale..... agree...... lost in translation 😊
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RHP User
6 years ago
I was meaning the couples who have solid relationships and are happy with each other, only here to meet others to add something to their sex lives. I realise that there are people who are open to numerous partners and dont care if their partners develop feelings elsewhere. So I guess it depends on the dynamics of your relationship.
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Deep_Love
6 years ago
You just don't. Sure there's new relationship energy, that can be all consuming, exciting and intense (it is a kind of love) but that's very different for a deep respect and love and lust you have for a partnership built over a couple of decades.
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totally_normal
6 years ago
This is the grey area between being in an open relationship and beiong polyamorous. If you are developing feelings for your play partner it can go either way. Open communication with everyone involved is the only way to work out which route you wish to go. The pod cast "normalizing non monogomy" is a good listen if you are interested in learning how other couples deal with a wide variety of non monogomous lifestyles.
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SSExplorer
6 years ago
Depends on what you think love is. I have always thought the Buddhist ideas hold the most merit *In his book Teachings on Love, Thich Nhat Hanh discusses the Four Immeasurable Minds, which are referred to as the four elements of true love. The four elements of true love and are – Loving-kindness (maitri) – the desire to offer happiness, Compassion (karuna) – the desire to remove suffering from the other person, Joy (mudita) – the desire to bring joy to people around you, and Equanimity (upeksha) – the desire to accept everything and not to discriminate. “According to Nagarjuna, the second-century Buddhist philosopher: Practicing the Immeasurable Mind of Love extinguishes anger in the hearts of living beings. Practicing the Immeasurable Mind of Compassion extinguishes all sorrows and anxieties in the hearts of living beings. Practicing the Immeasurable Mind of Joy extinguishes sadness and joylessness in the hearts of living beings. Practicing the Immeasurable Mind of Equanimity extinguishes hatred, aversion, and attachment in the hearts of living beings.”* So true love is not earned or owned, it is something one strives to give not to receive. It does not have an expectation of a return. So nearly all love fails this as we want something in return. Even a mother’s love as we still yearn for the adoration of our child. Then there is romantic love. *Romance has been planted in our psyches as a model of love, and that is to be undone if we are to heal as a species. What we consider romantic love is a breeding ground for addicted, craving, grasping feelings and behaviors that cause more pain in the world than almost anything else, second only to governmental, political, and financial control of people* Heavy stuff!!! I must admit in my previous romantic relationships I practiced more romantic love. Lust, passion, desire,ego etc all played large parts. Yes I loved them but it was a selfish love, a love for what it gave me. But I have a few other relationships, friends that have lasted longer than any romance, that I practice closer to what true love is. I feel blessed to have crossed paths with Mrs S who I feel I am closest to achieving this notion of true love but again I realise I also love what I receive from her. So what does opening ourselves to others do for us? I think it is twofold, firstly it releases the ownership and restrictions of romantic love. Actually it allows us to indulge in romantic love with others while practicing true love together. Secondly, it may allow us to express true love with others, which is even more special NB anything between *...* are quotes from others
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EarthQueen
6 years ago
Loved that answer, how eloquent. I think we have a lot to learn about love as a species in general. I know I do. With age I look back on what I thought was love and recognise it wasn't that at all. Great for you and everyone else that can have a relationship in which you feel free to explore yourself and others without possession.
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RHP User
6 years ago
Or on the flip side . Maybe what they think is love when it come to there partners, isnt as strong as they think. Or why would you evan want or need or allow yourselfs to fall in love with another
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SpicyKale
6 years ago
Different types of love mango. I love my friends, my family, kids, my wife.... all very different types of love. I've loved past partners in very different ways to my wife. Just because you can't see it doesn't mean it's not there for others.
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