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On_Safari

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I needed something to lighten the mood:

October 25 2013

humour

So here's a few funnies to share with everyone to help you swing on into the weekend happy and laughing. The Grim Reaper came for me last night, but I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner . . . talk about Dyson with death! A mate of mine admitted recently to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time. I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. Whilst there I noticed four grave diggers walking about with a coffin. Three hours later they were still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!! My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were $100!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web. I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance . . . so I pushed her over. I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move. I was driving this morning when I saw a parked RACQ van. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself that guy's heading for a breakdown. Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not Happy. My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?! Lucky for him I was still up with my Bagpipes. I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! I presume she was poor – I could only find $1.20 in her purse. My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker . . . Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet. A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheelchair. I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said "I would like to come back as a cow". I said "you're obviously not listening". The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back. Two Muslims crashed a speedboat into the Thames dam. Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam. Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead, until I noticed the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby! The wife was counting all her 5 cents and 10 cents out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change of life." Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it! A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick axe has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says, "I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their picks nicked." Murphy says to Paddy, "Why ya talkin to an envelope?" "Because I'm sending a voicemail ya ijot!" Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service. 19 Irish paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?" Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over." An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world, swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountains. It came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat. Feel free to throw a few of your own around. Indy ~ 🙈🙉🙊

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Comments

  • RHP

    RHP User

    12 years ago

    especially 6 out 7 Dwarfs. Ones I saw the other day.The energiser bunny was arrested. Charged with batteryPMS jokes aren't funny ! Period !A dyslexic man walks into a braJokes about German sausage are the Wurst.Happy Friday W.

    reply

  • him_and_me

    him_and_me

    12 years ago

    Funny! Thanks. x Me

    reply

  • madotara69

    madotara69

    12 years ago

    The Greek parachutist, CondescendingMado

    reply

  • RHP

    RHP User

    12 years ago

    Italian genetic engineering company - genitaliaI used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.It's said the problem with man is, he has a brain and a penis but only enough blood to run one at a time.(for a friend) Without ME it's just AWESO!Pretentious!!!??? Moi!!!???

    reply

  • RHP

    RHP User

    12 years ago

    I was just starting to go into sleep mode when I read this, now I am gonna be awake for the next 2 hours as I've woken myself up laughing.

    reply

  • RHP

    RHP User

    12 years ago

    Your a crack up lol :)) Keep smiling lovely ;),,

    reply

  • On_Safari

    On_Safari

    12 years ago

    A girl does what she can....💋- Posted from rhpmobile

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  • Tall74nHard9

    Tall74nHard9

    12 years ago

    An Irishman is walking home from his local, by way of a local shortcut through the village cemetery. As he is stumbling his way through, he falls into a freshly dug grave. After he gets back on his feet, he assesses his predicament, and decides to try and get out. On his first attempt, he only manages a short climb before he slides back down. Waiting for a few moments, he has another try and climbs a little further, before yet sliding down again. Giving it some more concentrated attention, he looks for a better exit point and tries again, only to fail for the third time. So he decides he will wait until the morning and see if he can get the attention of some local help. He decides to find a dark corner in order to try and get to sleep. After doing so, about 10 minutes later, another drunk falls into the same grave. The first drunk decides just to quietly sit and observe, whilst the second is obviously pondering his situation also. So the second drunk decides to try and escape too. First attempt only makes very little progress, before he too slides back down. He decides to give the second attempt a bit more energy, but this also does not succeed. He is about to launch into his third attempt, when the first drunk places his hand on the others shoulder, and says "you won't get out you know". But he did ! Did you hear about the Irish attempt to blow up a London bus ? Burnt his lips on the exhaust pipe. What about the Irish attempt to climb Mt. Everest? Ran out of scaffolding. New Irish invention for the parachute. Opens on impact. What message do you find on the top of an Irish beer bottle? See other end for instructions. What is written on the bottom of an Irish beer bottle ? Open other end. How do you drown an Irish submarine ? Knock on the hatch. How many Irish painters are required to paint a house ? 31. One to hold the brush and the other 30 to move the house back n forth. Avagoodwegend everyone. Tall

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    12 years ago

    If I had a dollar for everytime I got distracted, I wish I was having sex right now.

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  • wingman2014

    wingman2014

    12 years ago

    She is an artist and French. She did a portrait of a woman with 5 breasts . She called it Sanctitty- Posted from rhpmobile

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    12 years ago

    Little boy sees two dogs going at it in his back yard. He calls his father. "DAD!!!! DAD!!!! Come quick!!" His father races in and asks what's up? "There.....what are those two dogs doing?" Asks the boy. "Oh fuck.....look do t worry about that son" the boys father replied as he tries to cover his son's eyes. "Yeah but, what are they doin dad?" The boy insistently asks. "Oh fuck......well, you see the dog in the front?" Asks his dad. "Yeah." "Well he's being a very good friend to the dog in the back, by helping him across the garden....now come away." His dad says. "Well.....that's just typical dad eh?" "What do you mean son?" His dad replies. "Well.....you try to help a mate out and he sticks it right up ya!!!" Replies the boy.- Posted from rhpmobile

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    12 years ago

    Cinqtitty? x Mes, Grammar nazi, even in French. (Guess that would be nazi du grammaire?)

    reply

  • RHP

    RHP User

    12 years ago

    It would be better with a funny punch line woodentit

    reply

  • RHP

    RHP User

    12 years ago

    My arms have gotten a lot more definition since I started lifting dictionaries.

    reply

  • RHP

    RHP User

    12 years ago

    and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

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  • madotara69

    madotara69

    12 years ago

    boy (whispers) Hello s m Hi there, could I speak with your mum? boy nup, she's busy s m could I speak with your dad? boy umm nup he's busy too s m your sister or brother? boy nup nup they're busy both of em s m well son, is there anyone else there I could speak to? boy yeah, two policemen s m Great could I speak with them please? boy no way, they're busy too s m gee whiz every one is busy, what is everyone doing? boy lookin for me. Clever kid ! Sir Michael Caine told that joke to the Queen of England (trivial) Mado Tara xx

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    12 years ago

    A bachelor comes home, goes to the fridge, sees nothing exciting and goes to bedA married man comes home, goes to bed, sees nothing exciting and goes to the fridge

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    12 years ago

    What do you call a Greek necrophiliac? George fuck-a-carcass. What is brown and sticky? A stick. What's the latest Irish invention? Helicopter with ejector seats. A neutron walks into a bar and asks how much for a drink. The bartender replies “ for you, no charge”. - Dr. Sheldon Cooper, The Big Bang Theory.

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  • madotara69

    madotara69

    12 years ago

    This young bloke, early twenties goes into the bank and to the first teller. A lady Paddy on the badge. She asks him what it is she could help with He said "I want 5000 bucks" her "You want a loan Sir?" him "Yep, it's alright this bank knows my dad" her "Oh sure, you still need to apply and we would need something as security from you $5000 is a lot of money." him "yep no problem, as I said the bank knows my dad." Pulls out of his pants pocket a miniature pink porcelain elephant. "here is your security lady it's alright as I said." Her "Sir this hardly would be considered security to that sort of money, however the decision is not mine, I shall see the manager. Won't be long Sir" Her Enters managers office "there is this moron out there that wants $5000 sais the bank knows his dad the idiot and offers this fckn thing for security, what the fuck is it any way." Bank manager another lady " For fucks sake, it's a knick knack paddy whack give the boy a loan, his old man is a Rolling Stone" Mado Tara xx

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    12 years ago

    only 18 per cent of our dna away from being a platypus .Platypodes have four more pairs of sex genes than humans.....

    reply

  • Coops27M

    Coops27M

    12 years ago

    At a massive U2 concert, Bono usher's the entire crowd to silence. He then proceeds to slowly clap his hand's every few seconds... "Every time i clap my hands a child in africa dies!" He says... Upon which a bloke up the front of the crowd yells out, "Well then stop clapping you sick bastard!"

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  • Coops27M

    Coops27M

    12 years ago

    The Magic Apple. A guy walks into a bar and sits down. The bartender asks him "What can i get ya" The guy say's "Gin & Tonic thanks" The bartender places an apple on the bar. The guy say's "What's this?" to which the Bartender replies "Just try it" The bloke takes a bite "Wow! It tastes like Gin!" Bartender "Now turn it around" So he turns it around and takes another bite "Wow! It tastes like Tonic" A second bloke walks in and sits down and bartender asks "What can i get ya?" "Rum and coke please mate" He replies. Again another apple is placed on the bar. He takes a bite "Wow! It tastes like Rum!" Bartender say's "Now turn it around" Another Bite "Wow it tastes just like Coke!" Third guy walk's in and sits down. Bartender ask's "What can i get ya?" Third guy replies "Hmm I'm not sure" The first guy turns to him and exclaims "This guy has an apple for any flavour!" Second guy adds "Try it mate it's amazing!" So Third Guy says "Ok... I don't suppose you have an apple that tastes like Pussy?" An apple is placed on the bar and third guy picks it up and takes a bit "Ohhhhh this apple tastes like Shit!" The bartender replies "Turn it around.."

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  • RHP

    RHP User

    12 years ago

    How do you catch a unique rabbit? You 'neek' up on it! How do you catch a tame unique rabbit? Tame way, you 'neek' up on it!

    reply

  • RHP

    RHP User

    12 years ago

    Alcohol is not in my vodkabulary. However, I looked it up on whiskeypedia and learned if you drink too much of it, it's likely tequilya. . Lol Unrushed...

    reply

  • Lovinit28andKC72

    Lovinit28andKC72

    12 years ago

    Ok so a man walks into a bar, he sits at the bar and orders 2 beers. He drinks one and throws the other one in his lap, he orders a couple more beers, he drinks one and throws the other in his lap. The barman can't help but ask why the man is doing this. The mans reply was I won lotto today and this is the only C**T I'll be shouting......

    reply

  • RHP

    RHP User

    12 years ago

    A vampire goes into a pub and asks for boiling water. The barman says "I thought you only drank blood?" The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says "I'm making tea".

    reply

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