The Ethical Slut & attachment

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  RHP User

  14 years ago

  Luuuuurve that book Meeks!!!!! Love is not neccesarily without attachement, i get dreadfully attached but i draw the line at laying CLAIM. I guess that's where the difference is for me. You can love others dreadfully, be passionately loyal and lust them deeply WITHOUT laying claim.

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  RHP User

  14 years ago

  ...which occur together in relationships often.Both are natural emotions.You can love without attachment. In fact, there is a school of thought that this is the only true love - it is the "If you love something, set it free..." poem base. The book "Road Less Travelled" actually plunges these depths and does a great job of clarifying the difference between Hollywood love (which sadly is commonly pursued ultimately unsuccessfully by many couples) and true love (which is the cathexis between two people wishing growth and happiness of each other and together).You can be attached without love. We have all seen relationships like this - they are fear based, both fearful of losing the other person and thoughts of growth and investment in each other have been forgotten as the months and years of fear distract from the love that perhaps was once there.So, if they can exist independently, they are seperate things.I don't believe it is easy to love without attachment, though I have read some books about Zen Buddism (The Way of Zen by Alan Watts is a difficult read but very rewarding and beautiful) and Zen Buddism is a lot about not being attached, not having attachment. Many people think of attachment as just being to physical things, but it is to everything (the non-dual for those who have read the book!)Anybody who wishes to love without attachment needs to love everything and be attached to nothing. Putting up borders to what you love does not help - fences are fear-based, not love-based.At least, that's what I thinks, hehe!“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” -- Jalal al-Din Muhammad Rumi

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  RHP User

  14 years ago

  I have always thought it was refering to love without, as Goodgrlz has said , laying claim ....... "you belong to me" so to speak. .I have read this and "opening up" which refers to the ethical slut alot but which I beleive is an easier read and in fact a better book. I have to say at times the views in both books are utopic , not to say I dont think they are not worth aiming for but are by the nature of our store behavioural paterns and beliefs, difficult to maintain and reach. But if it wasnt utopic it wouldnt be worth aspiring to. ..I love the depth of thought associated with this topic , a glass of your favourite , nibbles and a long chat about relationship. Ahhhhh magic something worth thinking about..Brae

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  RHP User

  14 years ago

  Aspergers.

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  RHP User

  14 years ago

  Fiona i live with two of them and you might be dead right there. It's not logical to allow your feelings to control you, it's the tail wagging the dog!!!!! (Just call meMrs Spock) xx goodgrl

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  RHP User

  14 years ago

  Hi, I dont normally enter the forums but this topic got my interest. My wife and I have had an open relationship at times - early on I was jealous but not now (unless its because some other guy whos smaller hung is getting something she wont give me, cause Im too big). Being open is the next stage on past swinging where you both got to see each other have fun. Open relationships are harder cause you dont see what your spouse is up to, you only hear about it and so there has to be a lot more trust. In our case it started with me being away so long on business trips. Love without jealousy takes a long time, most couples who dont have great communication or a strong bond, wont last together to get to that point. You still have to have a slight amount of possessiveness where you call each other my wife or my husband other wise you are only in a friend or f buddy phase and that doesnt last very long from what I've seen of people on these sites. Love without attachment could be thought of where one person loves another but it isn't reciprocated, but they love that person anyway. it's out there, but I feel sad for them, that its one way.

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  RHP User

  14 years ago

  Call me 7 of 9........................she was HOT! "I am borg, resistance is futile"

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  RHP User

  14 years ago

  We can remember reading the Ethical Slut about 8 years ago, from memory it was a good read. But Love without jealously and possessiveness we don't subscribe to for ourselves, we believe we need that commitment from each other and without it we feel we would only be companions / friends not lovers.   We have based our lifestyle on swinging concepts where we can separate the act of sex is a fun thing to do with others and making love is something we do together. We treat it as playing together and thats what we call it, with others always together like really together same room within touching distance of each other.   Reality check: A couple years ago we played with a couple then organised a MFM 3 some with the couple taking turns at each other places except each time one wife stayed at home. Both ladies agreed but neither could sleep the night when they were alone and knew their husbands were playing.....uncontrolable emotions at work???   We could not do what that author suggests its outside our comfort zone like open relationships, we don't think one style is better than than the other.....Its choices we make, we are not all wired the same way. For anyone that have seen their perants separate and then they grow old and lonely apart, we want to grow old together and for us those emotions help cement the bond.......we think??

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  RHP User

  14 years ago

  I dont think that jealousy and attachment are the same things. I love my kids to death and back. Would gladly lay my own life on the line for any one of them but I am not jealous of them. Even in a permanent relationship we form attachments. A couple may play with others, have as open relationship as they like but at the end of the day they have attachment to each other, to thier family and friends. Homosapiens are mob animals. We form attachments. It is how we are genetically programmed. For higher religions to aspire to this no attachment theory is also a load of BS (IMO). They are still forming an attachment to whom or what they perceive to be thier higher power, thier God. You can have the love without the jealousy, the love without the possessivenes and the clinginess and general neediness BUT Having no attachment to me means no emotional involvement. It is not really love at all then is it?

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  RHP User

  14 years ago

  Well I can love without clinginess & jealousy but I when I do "love" lovers I sometimes get desperate for some of their time. I agree Fiona, I suppose I was viewing attachment as caring and if you don't care about someone how can you love them? Justenough, sounds like you equate love with sone possessiveness & jealousy? I understand how you like to play but as a couple. That's nice. Meeka

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  RHP User

  14 years ago

  I agree Brae. I like alot of their concepts & yes they are worth aspiring too. Although I often thought how the hell can someone maintain 3 or 4 or more relationships at one time. Just sounded exhausting! Part of me still does not really understand why you would want too, surely a few of those relationships would on a very part time basis. Xx Meeka

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  RHP User

  14 years ago

  When are you in a relationship with a lover? I tend to think of most situations as friendship unless you are in love. Friendships last longer :-)

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